No, You Are Not Invited

October 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

Get over the fact that you will be excluded from certain things in life.

I was out the other night with a college friend and told her about an event I’m organizing for alumni of a group of particular high schools. Her response, clearly peeved she didn’t get an invite: “But I know people who went there; my sister went there. You’re just being unfair and exclusive.” Yes, I am being exclusive. Deal with it.

Where you grew up, what school you attended, who you know, who you marry, where you live, what charities you support, your religion, your age – life is full of designations and self selected sub groups. It has little to do with a pecking order – if you aren’t 55, you don’t qualify for the AARP discount and if you aren’t Jewish you can’t have a bar mitzvah.

Very little is all inclusive and that isn’t a bad thing – shared traits are what bring strangers together. I’d so much rather go to a cocktail party where everyone is there because they grew up in the Midwest or worked at a failed start-up than show up to one where I don’t know a single person and have to work up a) the nerve and b) the wit to approach a stranger with a zingy yet generic intro. It is literally everyone’s social nightmare. Let’s try to make the game easier rather than harder, shall we?


Overheard at the New Yogurt Store

October 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

A fancy yogurt brand opened a storefront recently, offering to swirl various toppings into tangy white dairy. I tried the peanut butter/jelly/grapes combo for lunch and instead of enjoying my quasi meal with a magazine, could not keep my ears from picking up the following gems. I am worried about the state of urban humanity if this is becoming acceptable ‘tude in a place that serves cultures from a counter:

– “This looks like the yogurt version of Pinkberry. Is that what this is? Are you related to Pinkberry?”

– “I have the peach flavor for breakfast every morning but you only have the plain. I’ll need to see nutrition information before I can make a decision.”

– “If I take a photo of my yogurt and post it on Instagram, do you have someone who will like it?”

I pray for thee.

Dear Hova

October 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

You are the man. Not only do you put on a great show, you build the venue, throw in your own restaurant, front for the liquor license and own a teeny tiny fraction of the home team. You are a diversified conglomerate and manage to come off as just a decent guy who hustled. And I totes buy you believe that I and every wahoo in the place has “genius level talent.” I just walked out thinking, wow, I wish that guy well/I need to get my *ss in gear and start building my empire.


Poor Jim Lehrer

October 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

Jim Lehrer’s intro was more inspiring about the electoral process than the actual “debate.” I want to jump through the television and defend his structure – “He said you get two minutes! He says you have to be specific and stay on topic!”

Two Harvard educated millionaires and they can’t even engage in a constructive, direct manner beyond glancing at each other with pitying grins.

This isn’t a debate, it’s a televised reading of talking points written by 28 year old speech writers and balding policy wonks. There will be no “Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy” triumphs tonight. Tragic.

Pay For Birthday Dinners

October 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

Suck it up, throw down your Amex and pay for the birthday dinner over which you have no control. I have wasted incredible energy whining about the cost of celebratory events. In the end, you won’t really miss that extra $50 and your friend will, legit, remember you as the person who put them ahead.

They key is to ensure that when your sacred day rolls around, an appropriate event is planned and bankrolled. One for one, no exceptions.

Half Decent SMD Wanted

October 1, 2012 § Leave a comment

I follow a variety of companies/personalities on Instagram. I assume my favorite brands are going to turn their sharp eyes to everyday life and excite me with observations from a world cooler than my cubicle.

Social Media Director (“SMD”) is a hot title and getting paid to tweet/blog/Facebook/pin is a sweet gig. It also doesn’t take a genius. Literally not even an A student.

Unfortunately I fear some said SMDs are brain dead. Fuzzy, three-cocktail-in pictures from the night out with your colleagues, desperate to be artistic upside down shots of the side of a baseball stadium (a gem from my fav clothing company today)… these are not endearing me to give you my money.

I am accepting offers to take over these positions at quality businesses – send in your bids.

Know Your Sports

September 29, 2012 § Leave a comment

I was out with a friend tonight, having a beer and observing the college game on the TV, brought up the recent NFL referee drama. The blank look on her face was exactly the one I work hard never to display. “Wait, what?”

Beyond the protective confines of college, there is little excuse for not knowing what’s going on in the world, including the wide one of sports. Literally, checking the front page of the section and perusing the box scores once a week ensure you can offer a single intelligent comment when your colleges/boss/guys at the table next to you mention Sunday’s match-ups. Just this week, a dude at work tried to trip me up by asking me to name three players on my hometown baseball team – not only did I name them, I named their positions and the fact that one has spent most of the season on the DL. I do not anticipate any future snappy comments from the questioning gentleman.

Do yourself a favor, ladies: know your sports. Let’s up the ante.